Things No One Tells You About Being a Parent

Let me start this post by saying I LOVE being a mom and I LOVE my daughter. I can honestly say I feel like I have accomplished nothing greater and my child is my entire world.

Before I was blessed with my little nugget, I had no idea what parenthood was like. I used to get annoyed when my mom friends couldn't talk on the phone for more than five minutes and seemed to be ten minutes late to everything. I didn't "get" the hundreds of facebook posts about teeth, rolling, and walking and I certainly didn't care to talk about the huge diaper sale at Target. Now, these things run my life, and it's awesome.

Alas, between the snuggles, the first words and the open-mouth kisses, there are some not-so-glamorous parts of parenthood that no one ever seems to talk about. My kid is in bed and I don't feel like cleaning. So...here we go.

1. Crap.
Literally. Crap. On your hands. If you're a parent and claim that you have never found poop on your hands, you're lying. After I change a nice, ripe diaper, it's often inevitable that I get a little smear of that beautiful green excrement somewhere on one of my fingers. It doesn't happen all the time, but more than you'd think. Once my kid hit about 7 months, changing her diaper was like wrestling an alligator. Sometimes she turns the wrong way and there it is. All over my hand. The best is when I find it a couple hours later, after I've done about ten other things. It's like, "Oh, awesome...I just ate and I had crap on my hand." Yes, I wash my hands after I change a poopy diaper, but that ish doesn't just rinse off.

2. Puke.
You're going to get puked on. More than once. It's going to smell worse than anything you have ever inhaled into your nostrils.

3. Sick Days
Before children, missing work was a huge deal. At the end of the term, year, whatever... you probably had a plethora of sick days left. Get ready to burn through them. Quickly (if you aren't a stay-at-home parent). I'm not saying your kid will get every disease and sickness imaginable, it just doesn't take much to spike a fever. Kids can't go to daycare when they have a fever.

4. The Telephone
I realize not everyone is off work at 3:40 like I am...yet, this is when I will probably call you back. I have a fifteen minute drive home where I am completely alone. This is about the only time I can be 100% attentive to our conversation. Once I am home, there is snack time, dinner time, bath time, bottle time, story time and then bed time. After that I get about 30 minutes of HGTV and talking to my husband before I pass out. Weekends are hit or miss.  If  you call me back anytime that is not between 3:40 and 3:55 or one of my random weekend times, please, don't be offended. I just like my kid more than you.

I want to say "kidding!"....but that would be a lie.

5. Crap. Again.
Texting each other pictures of our kid's poop is pretty normal. Poop is celebrated. It is described in great detail. If she isn't pooping, we are worried. If she is pooping too much, we are worried AND we talk about her blow-outs. This sh*t never ends. Literally.

6.Taking turns
This takes on a whole new meaning. I can recall several "discussions" at 1 a.m. and 4 a.m. that consisted of nothing more than, "NO! IT'S YOUR TURN!" If one commits to a turn, there is no "turning" back. Did you like that? I thought it was clever.

I ended up documenting turns. Example-
7 A.M- Ash
10 A.M- J
1 P.M- Ash
4 P.M- J
7 P.M- Ash
10 P.M- J
1 A.M- Ash
4 A.M- J (this feeding is a real doosie)

This helped me...and hurt me. Sometimes I would groan at 1 A.M "No...your turn". Darn you...stupid list.

6. Traveling sucks.
I hope you have a big trunk...because it is going to be FULL. No matter how large. Diaper bag, bouncer, swing, clothes, toys, bumbo...
I never thought I would have mini-van envy. It's a real thing.
My life now fits into a back-pack. My kid's takes up my entire vehicle.
The longer the trip, the worse it is. The longer you're gone, the more junk you have to pack. Have a small baby? Be ready to stop every three hours to feed it. Apparently, they need to eat to survive. Who'd a thunk?

Aside from all of this stinky, tiring, and funny stuff; waking up to a happy and healthy baby makes my life worthwhile every day. It sounds super cheesy, but our kid is the center of our universe. Excitement is often attained when we find out Target is having that huge diaper sale, Babies-R-Us has BOGO Fisher Price toys or just when our kid says a new word or flashes us a gummy grin.

After typing all of this, I am now going to go check on my sleeping kid. I will probably stand over her crib for about three minutes, text her a daddy a picture of her, and attempt to kiss her without waking her up.